On Religion

Who the hell made wasting sperm a sin?
- Tim Minchin

I've hinted before that Richard Dawkins has done atheism no favours. He thinks religious faith is stupid and dangerous and he evangelises against it. I thought I'd start by distancing myself from that sort of thing. Religious people have access to reserves of selflessness, hope and determination that I'll never have. As philosophies, religions are also instructive to non-believers, although most of them try to dissuade you from seeing them that way. But they do sometimes make a mess, so I thought that, as a neutral bystander, I might be able to give some helpful observations. There aren't really any thornier issues that I can think of, so I promise I'll try to be tactful if you promise you'll try not to get upset.

When their religion is accused of being violent, Muslims often respond by saying that Islam means peace. I've been talking to an expert, and it sounds as though that's literally true. As I understand it, the word Islam corresponds to a state of mind where you're placid enough to submit yourself entirely to God's will. On the other hand, Mohammed personally led Muslims into battle to bring the towns around Medina under his control, describing this struggle as jihad. I know enough to see that terrorists who think they're following Mohammed's teachings are wrong (killing women and children was expressly forbidden, for a start), but it's also true that Islam is easier to pervert in this way than, say, Christianity. If Jesus had conducted the first crusade, the cases would be comparable. But Christianity has been perverted in exactly this way, nonetheless. I bet if you added up all the killing done in the names of the various religions and put them together in a grisly pie chart, Christianity would have the biggest slice.

So if you were going to found a religion and you wanted to give it the best chance of influencing people's behaviour for the good, how would you go about it? I've compiled a modest list of commandments, in case anybody feels like worshipping me:

1. I don't care whether or not you believe in me, so there's no sense looking down on non-believers. You're good if you act consistently with these commandments and you aren't if you don't, regardless of your beliefs.

2. The way these commandments are worded is unimportant. I discourage loopholery and encourage people who question my teachings and think for themselves. In particular, be clear on this: heresy is not a sin.

3. You may decide that sometimes killing is unavoidable. I have nothing to say on abortion, euthanasia and self-defence: you'll have to make your own minds up. But let's be clear on this, too: violence in my name is always wrong, without exception.

4. There's no holy land. People's right to live somewhere derives from a complicated mix of history, culture, language, local law, their feelings, family ties, whether or not they're living there now and how long they've been doing so. I'm not getting involved.

5. You have a duty to look after your own happiness and that of the people who love you. You also have a duty to look after everyone else's happiness, but keep a sense of proportion. And "happiness" here means "happiness in this life" - no burning witches on the grounds that they'll thank you for it in heaven.

6. You also have a duty to look after the happiness of animals, proportional to their capacity for suffering. Don't quibble: you know roughly how much suffering each species is capable of; it's to do with how clever they are. And don't compromise commandment 5 too much over this, either - that's more important.

7. Tolerate other people's beliefs and practices, but don't tolerate intolerance. Nobody has the right to run homophobic adoption agencies. Use commandment 5 to help decide what's tolerable.

8. That reminds me, bum sex is fine. I know this really belongs under commandment 7, but I feel you people have some kind of mental block on this one. Honestly, leave it.

9. You have the right to be rich and the duty to respect other people's property. Charging interest is okay, for heaven's sake. If you accept any monetary donations on my behalf, though, you'd better make damn sure your motives aren't selfish.

10. I'm not in charge of what's true. If scientific research or any other kind of investigation gives you reason to doubt what I say, do so. So commandment 6 might change. And 9, I suppose.

There we are. Feel free to suggest alterations: I haven't yet finalised the contract with the engravers. By the way, number 1 doesn't appear in any religion that I know of (am I wrong?), even though it seems a very plausible position for a god to hold. Make of that what you will.